I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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