she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
