how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
