I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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