Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You took a bar mat shot.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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