i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
