My liver just broke up with me...
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
