drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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