I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
