8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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