I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize