I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
