Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
