she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
