I just cut my nipple shaving
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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