I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
