i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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