Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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