Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
