fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
