Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
