I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
