is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
