so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
