the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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