How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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