I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
