I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
