She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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