just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize