I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
