I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
