I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
