Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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