just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
