Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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