At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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