For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
