My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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