Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
