you traded sex for a burrito?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
