I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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