Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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