My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
