you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
