I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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