Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize