I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
