Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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