In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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