Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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