Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
