you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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