I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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