Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
