I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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