You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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