Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
