Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
