...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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