You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
