I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
