They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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